The boat trip had barely ended when my brother, ever the social spirit, invited everyone for a farewell drink. A sweet gesture, no doubt. But I couldn't help feeling a little hurt - we’d barely stepped off the boat, and already my battery was pulling me in a different direction.
It was our last night together, too - but he didn't check with me if I was down for a party or seemed to make any plans with me. I know, I know - it’s not all on him. I could’ve said something. Initiated a plan myself. But the party plans were already in motion, so in that way, I was too late at the party and I didn't feel like interfering in something that my brother (and the rest of the people on the boat) were looking forward to.
When a girl from the boat, mentioned our last night together, he joked, “Yeah, but she’ll go to bed early.” He had a big smile on his face when he said it - he always does - but jokes can sting, and that one did.
Before the boat trip, I’d booked a nicer hostel as a surprise for our last night together - a place with a view and a pool. I thought it would be something special. Maybe we’d get a massage (as I mentioned in the morning), have dinner, and share our experiences of the travels together. Then he could go party while I stayed in or decided to join him.
The course of events
We arrived at the hostel late in the afternoon, so we quickly organized our bags, took a shower, dropped off our laundry and headed to the town square. While walking to the restaurant, I pointed out a massage place, thinking we’d maybe go there later on. When we arrived at the restaurant recommended by the friends we met on the boat, he mentioned that some more people from the boat would join us. I adjusted and told myself to go with the flow. I knew my brother wanted to meet up with some of them, so I was already sort of settling into that idea, and I expect it couldn't hurt if more people would join.
We called our parents - it was Mother’s Day, after all - and seeing my mum's face, hearing both our parents' voices, was such an awesome and wholesome feeling. I was in such a good mood, that I felt like I was going to enjoy this night even more.
Mid-dinner, the German girls from Siargao showed up. My brother stood up and leaned over me to greet them, whilst I was eating my pizza - I wasn't quite ready for the social moment and felt quite literally pushed into greeting them. And for all for you who don't know me, I absolutely love my food. So preferably, I would have said hello with a quick "hello" and wave, so that I could keep on eating.
Later, my brother mentioned that I wanted to get a massage and one of the German girls jumped on the comment and suggested we get massages together, since her friend wasn’t interested. Over dinner, I hadn’t mentioned wanting a massage anymore, but my brother jumped in with, “You want a massage, right?” I simply said "No". I wanted to do something together, not with a "random" girl, so that the other girl could try her luck with my brother. It might be fine any other night, but I figured this night would be more of a goodbye evening for us, too.
I don’t know why it got to me. I knew it would be a goodbye party with the people from the boat, but I felt like he quietly wanted to get rid of me. Not deliberately, but still. I know that’s not his intention - he’s a “more-the-merrier” kind of person. But intentions don’t always cancel out impact.
As I felt like I was tearing up, I decided to go back to the hostel early and leave them to have a good night.
Mindset, expectations and a learning curve?
I’m not entirely sure why the evening ended in tears for me. Was I tired? Was my social battery just low? Should my mindset be more open minded to new people and experiences? Was it just that the evening didn’t match my expectations? I honestly don’t know.
All I do know is: unmet expectations can make reality feel heavier than it should. And sometimes, we create more pain by clinging to the plan we thought we had - and by 'we', I refer to me. I do that. Maybe it’s just how I’m built. When my battery is low, I don’t have the emotional range to adapt to changes or extra input. It’s not about being antisocial - it’s about needing to refuel differently.
For people who enjoy the topic of reality meeting expectations, I would recommend reading: "Solve for Happy" by Mo Gawdat. He tells you all about happiness, including his own experiences and how he has been able to change his mindset around. It is all about the expectations you create for a reality you can't control - and it is very interesting.
Not one and the same
My brother and I are different - we run on completely different types of batteries. He recharges by being surrounded by people, feeding off the energy and excitement. I, on the other hand, need quiet, space, and time alone to refill. Once my battery's drained, even the best company can feel overwhelming. He’s spontaneous, driven by being social, what’s fun and what’s next. I like to know the plan. Prepare for the shift and think everything through.
Still, I’m happy I left the evening instead of lashing out or crying my eyes out. I was emotional - but privately so. I didn’t want to ruin his / their night, especially when I wasn’t even sure my feelings were justified. And now, looking back, I feel like my feelings weren't quite justified. I could have handled the situation much better, because I know my brother. My social battery was low, which made it harder for me to adjust to the plan, with new twists. I feel ridiculous, but at that time I couldn't help myself.
The Aftermath
In the middle of the night I woke up and realized he still hadn't come home. I was worried and messaged him to ask when he’d be back. He replied, apologizing. He was on his way and said he felt ashamed for prioritizing others over me. I appreciated that, but also felt like it was unnecessary. Of course, I would've wanted to have spend the evening in a different manner. But honestly? I could have joined the party without being all emotional about people joining? Like, what the hell? Looking back, I feel quite ashamed that I would let that influence the night and I put my brother in such a situation - just because he is a social creature and I can't keep up.
Morning after
The next morning, the first thing he did, was give me a big hug and apologize again. As we walked to a nearby café (before he had to leave), he asked if I’d been crying. I asked how he knew. He said, “I saw it in your eyes.” and put his arm around me and said sorry - again.
He explained he had assumed I’d go to bed early, but realized it wasn’t fair to make assumptions like that. I told him I needed time to adjust to the idea of the party, but once I did, I was actually okay with, if not, looking forward to it. What stung was hearing him say things like “she’ll go to bed early” to others - without checking in with me first.
He listened. Truly listened and said he never meant to hurt me and that he felt like an idiot as I am more important than the people he partied with. He would've much rather had me there with him, too.
I also admitted that I could’ve chosen to have fun anyway. With him. With everyone. The girls were lovely - we’d partied in Siargao before. Maybe I created the bad vibe in my own head - 99% sure you can leave out the 'maybe'.
Humor as a good remedy
There was slight miscommunication. But that’s part of life. And part of growth is asking: Why would I let change define my night? That’s on me. I want to grow as a person, to become more flexible in that way. This has been a good lesson for learning how to handle things differently next time. It is wise to expect the unexpected, this is life after all.
Humor did help the situation afterwards, as it usually does. In our family, we wrap serious talks with jokes - mum would 100% agree. I told him I’m “a little autistic” in that way - I need to know the plan to mentally prep for it. Any last-minute changes throw me off. Especially when I’m tired.
He laughed. “I know I’m becoming more considerate,” he said, “but not that fast. I've been doing it for two weeks already.” Classic him. Dark humor, but I love it.
And that same dark humor is what he used when he joked about me going to bed early. You see? It’s all a matter of interpretation - and I should’ve known he never meant it seriously.
From one emotional situation into another
After we cleared the air, we started dreaming. We were already talking about meeting again in Bali. So, when are we going to meet? What’s next? What are his plans for the next month, until we see each other again. He talked about wanting to travel more instead of staying in Australia too long.
I did feel like he's a little torn - Australia offers the chance of traveling to a lot of Asian destinations, but he misses the European culture. The directness, the humor. The way we can joke without filters.
We talked about our family. He said he’s very much a family person - and I agreed. I think all of us are. We discussed how special it feels and how much we enjoy living at home with our parents - dad can cook like no one else, and those Sunday afternoons with mum are still some of my favorite moments.
He agreed, and said he never really felt homesick while living in Australia, but now that he’s traveling and has more time to reflect, he realizes he misses the little things. Saturday coffees with dad. Winding up mum - one of his all-time favorite activities. Just being home. Being together.
Something I can very much relate to. During my time in Enschede, I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn’t really miss the family in that deep way. Sure, I sometimes wished they lived closer, so I could go over for dinner and head home afterwards again.
But after everything that happened this past year, I’ve come to realize more than ever how important my family is - and the role I want them to play in my life.
I couldn't see myself living far away from them - not long-term, anyway. I’d end up regretting not spending more time together. He agreed, and said he doesn’t think he could either.
It’s a good thing that he’s living in Australia now, so he can have the experience and maybe eventually come back home feeling fulfilled.
But he did wonder, where to live, if we'd choose to live in the Netherlands. “Heerlen??” he said, horrified. I laughed and said maybe Rotterdam. A bigger city. Still relatively close to home, but more alive.
Then we daydreamed - about expanding mum's coffee bar, possibly owning a few houses - one near our parents and one in a bigger city - living near family and chasing dreams at the same time.
Final Thoughts
This trip changed something. In both of us. It reminded us what matters and how lucky we are to have a family bond as strong as we do.
We’re lucky to have a family that loves, jokes, apologizes, and forgives. And I’m lucky to have a brother (two actually) who listens. We don’t need to have the same type of battery to be close - we just need to understand how each of us recharges. The social activities might have drained me, but the morning reminded me how strong the connection to my brother really is. And in the end, whether you’re solar-powered, wind-powered, or need a night alone in a quiet room - what matters is that we plug back into each other when it counts.
