As mentioned in my earlier blog posts, I realized that I am not one to wander around the world endlessly and aimlessly. I am glad I came to learn this about myself and will no longer experience the “what if” feeling. Now, I’m excited to start a career, work hard and build a successful career.
Part of the identity
The other day, when I told my Bali babe about my insight, she then rightfully questioned why a successful career is of such big importance to me.
At the moment I didn’t really have an answer, but looking back, I do think I derive part of my identity from my career.
Will it make me more valuable as a human?
Will it make people appreciate me more?
Will people respect me more?
Will I appreciate myself more?
I am not sure whether it’s a bad thing - that even though I might derive part of my identity from a career, I still want one. And as much as I’d like to start, I remain with so many unanswered questions.
Where do I want to live?
What do I want to do?
What makes me happy?
Caught up in my own head
My friend, wise as ever, told me that I am too caught up in my own head. Instead of thinking everything through, I should free my mind and focus on what my inner voice is telling me.
Well, for me, that is quite the struggle. I do try to meditate, but I feel like I mainly try to control my thoughts instead of letting go. Completely letting go of my reasoning? Of thinking everything through? Of viewing my decisions and events of life from all different perspectives?
How does one do that? Truly getting out of your head and focus on your (gut) feeling?
I asked her and she told me that the more I question everything, the more confused I will be and the less answers will come to me.
Don’t overthink everything. Yes, I can question the aspects in my life, but then I need to let go and trust that it will be alright and the answers will come to me. The fact that I am questioning what to do, does show that I am aware and can act accordingly. In the meantime I should keep on doing the things I like. Don’t put pressure on getting immediate answers. Keep on drawing and writing. Find my inner peace.
Focus on your inner self
She told me about her personal experience, that as a kid, she always took an interest in building blocks, rather than barbies. That her gut feeling always told her to go back to Bali. And look where she ended up? What she is creating for herself and the pleasure she gets from doing what she does?
She did tell me to not forget that there are always bad days and experiences, even though you know you’re on the right path.
So, I have to turn to myself.
What is my inner voice saying?
If I silence everything in my surroundings?
If I silence all expectations, from society, from my loved ones, from myself?
Immediately I told her that the one thing that has always been an inner voice shouting at me, is that I should start my own business. But I feel like I’ve never had the confidence to actually pull through. I’ve never been delusional enough to think that I would actually make it.
I am not saying it is, but maybe that is your problem. That is the first thing that you should tackle, before you actually start your own business. She said.
Find the passion
And then, even when I find my confidence, what type of business am I going to start? I don’t have a passion for anything. I would just love to have my own business.
Write down 40 things you like. You really like.
Just 40 things.
And then you can whittle them down.
Ask yourself: What's something you could do every day of the week and still enjoy?
Her opinion
She believes I should continue my journey of painting and drawing - the same thing my mum tells me.
I told her that I am not that creative. Most of the things I create, are based off pictures or combined ideas from others.
She told me that that doesn’t mean I am not creative. You can take two ideas and create your own creation - exactly what my mum told me as well: “You don’t have to reinvent the wheel”.
I kept on questioning why my creations would be any different to all the other artists and creations out there and why on earth they would pique someone’s interest.
She called me out, saying that I was really selling myself short by saying and believing that. As long as I keep that mindset, I will never be ready to show the world what I’ve got and the world won't accept it either.
Now that I am writing this piece, I see a pattern: one that keeps on circling back to my confidence.
Here I thought that I just arrived on Bali to enjoy myself, but maybe I am like one of the many - coming here to heal.
